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Literature by Entitaria

Writing by JiaRoyale


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Submitted on
September 16, 2012
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A cascade of words parade around,
with thoughts of atoms and connotation.
She is brilliant, they say,
but she knows she is lost.

Numbers are her companion,
she understands their mean, average.
Words can twist her brain,
she loves the wonder they bring.

She is intelligent, they say,
but sometimes,
she doesn't feel clever enough.
Sometimes she feels clever too much.

Excusez-moi, in perfect French,
but nothing is gained by perfect word tense.
She is clever, they say.
But she is not clever the way they know.

She sees things as they are,
and she prefers her thoughts to the world.
She knows she loves them more than they in return,
and her friends will be there until they wont.

Friends reassure her, you'll be okay,
she puts a smile on her face.
She loves them as much as any,
even though there aren't many.

They bring out the best in her,
the happy girl,
not swamped by words.
The one who isn't drowning in formula.

Test scores and numbers don't mark you smart,
she knows this now,
engraved in her heart.
IQ can't buy you happiness.

Inside, she knows she's smart.
Smarter than all of them,
because she looks in the mirror,
and sees what she is.

There are not numbers to comfort her,
she cannot measure her heart.
She sees the world is cruel and harsh,
so she bitersweetly smiles along.

Silence and books are safety,
but still she longs for more.
So she sits with a notebook and a pen,
and waits for the knock on her door.
So this is rambly and hard to understand, and if you get it, bravo to you. -internet cookie-
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, I love your title, as it draws one in immediately. I am left wanting to know why the intelligent are sad, even though my brain already thinks it has figured out the answer.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

ST 1
L2 - I would change 'connotation' to 'connotations' as it seems to make more sense in the plural as you have 'atoms' as plural.

ST 2
L2 - this line is missing something, I would add another 'mathematical' term after 'average' or change it to 'their mean, their average'.
L3 - I think it would be best to keep this ST as a mathematical one. To go from maths to words is a leap that my brain struggles with.

ST 3
L4 - 'clever too much' should be 'too clever'

ST 4
L1/2 - here you have a subtle rhyme, but it is not distracting so I would leave it.
L4 - I would add 'in' between 'clever' and 'the'. Alternatively I would actually change it to 'she is not clever like them' or 'in their way'

ST 5
L3 - I would add 'love her' between 'they' and 'in'
L4 - you are missing the apostrophe in won't

ST 6
L3/4 - again you have a subtle rhyme here, but it is more 'in your face'. I would try and change it some way so that the rhyme is either not as obvious or not there at all.

ST 7
L4 - I would make 'formula' plural

ST 8
L1 - did you mean 'mark' or 'make'?
L3 - I would change the period to a semi-colon

ST 9
/

ST 10
L1 - I would change 'not' to 'no'
L3 - I would insert 'that' between 'sees' and 'the'
L4 - 'bitersweetly' should be 'bitter-sweetly'

ST 11
I don't like the rhyme to end off the piece, as the rest of it isn't in rhyme at all. I would definitely change this. It is distracting and makes one wonder why it is there. It almost spoils the ending, which in turn almost spoils the piece.

Overall:
Your punctuation is great, as is most of your grammar.
This is a very interesting concept and you have written it well.

:star::star::star::star::star-half:
Jo
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:iconthewitchofgrich:
theWitchofGrich Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012
beautiful... and so true....
Reply
:iconluckyclover38:
LuckyClover38 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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:iconkikumizu:
KikuMizu Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
I like cookies :)

It is hard when people don't tell you you are smart but at the same time, people could tell you you are smart and feel as if you aren't. I've been told many times that I am smart, that I am talented but then, I think, why do I do stupid things?
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:iconluckyclover38:
LuckyClover38 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
exactly..
Reply
:iconzireael07:
Zireael07 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is brilliant!
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:iconluckyclover38:
LuckyClover38 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thanks!
Reply
:iconnicolawingeddeity:
NicolaWingedDeity Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
She knows she loves them more than they in return,
and her friends will be there until they wont.~
Ouchh.... that right there just killed me... :heart:
Reply
:iconluckyclover38:
LuckyClover38 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
</3
Reply
:iconnicolawingeddeity:
NicolaWingedDeity Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
... :huggle:
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