Sta.sh
Just another poem about beauty,
and what it really means to me.
Beauty is inside they say,
if only life really was that way.
My hair isn't cut and styled right,
I still have braces and an overbite.
My skin is pale and not too clear,
but that's still no reason to judge and jeer.
I still have fat around my waist,
I don't have a champagne fashion taste.
I'm a little short and I like it that way,
I'm just me and that's okay.
I'd rather not be another pretty face,
with table manners and perfect grace.
Who I am is fine with me,
Even if you don't agree.
| Deviant Login | Shop | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
enjoy!
On behalf of Grammar Nazi Critiques I will be critiquing your piece.
It's strong. The rhyme scheme gives it reverberation, echoing the content and amplifying its meaning in a satisfying way. What it lacks is a bit of finesse in composition. You have a simple arrangement here. Couplets, no real meter. Definitely not free verse. It's well-done but not as fully constructed as it could be.
To improve that simply re-wording a few lines would suffice. The clunkiness of a few key words could be erased or removed entirely, like so:
Just another poem about beauty, (Another poem on beauty)
and what it really means to me. (and what it really means. To Me.)
Beauty is inside they say, ("It lives inside" they tell, they say,)
if only life really was that way. ( If only it were really that way)
My hair isn't cut and styled right,
I still have braces and an overbite. (Perfect as is)
My skin is pale and not too clear,
but that's still no reason to judge and jeer.
I still have fat around my waist, (perfect)
I don't have a champagne fashion taste. ( My clothes don't have a fashionable taste)
I'm a little short and I like it that way, (fine)
I'm just me and that's okay. (okay)
I'd rather not be another pretty face, (I may not be another pretty face)
with table manners and perfect grace. (perfect)
Who I am is fine with me, (But who I am is fine with me)
Even if you don't agree. (Perfect end)
Because it's so short, you could easily change the entire feeling and tone of this piece by altering a few key lines. I recommend you try to expand out of simple rhyme and try to experiment with punctuation. It would give your piece more originality as is. Of course, you could also try using more figurative language or noticeable metaphors. Well done, though.
Firstly, nice title. It is interesting and hooks the reader.
Now, the crit:
Grammar:
There are no grammar areas of concern. You write well.
Punctuation:
I like how you punctuated your lines. They are easy to read and that is excellent. As poets, we aren't really writing for ourselves but for others, and so we need to consider the readers when we write.
Queries:
I don't understand the line 'champagne fashion taste'. Maybe having an explanation of this in your artist's comments would suffice and fill my curiosity and that of anyone else who doesn't know what you mean.
Imagery:
You use a lot of imagery that tells information rather than shows it. I think this is because you had to stick to a rhyme (which I will touch upon later).
An example of telling information would be the line:
I still have fat around my waist.
An example of changing it to showing:
I have doughy handles around my waist.
The second also imparts upon the reader 'fat waist' but it uses a metaphor to do so.
I would consider brushing up on your poetic devices as they help a lot with imagery. They help make a balance between showing and telling.
Rhyme:
The most important thing with rhyme is forced rhyme (where you change the wording of a sentence to force the end words to rhyme). You have none of that within this poem. Well done.
Your rhyme works extremely well. You keep to a set scheme; aabb, ccdd, eebb, ffaa
As you can see, you do repeat schemes further down in the poem, but the way you have done it, making the repeat of aa at the end, matches up the pairs nicely. None of it seems out of place.
Overall:
A nice piece of writing.
J