Thanks for submitting this. This is a fine piece; all on its own, it achieves a sense of compassion and kinship in loneliness and heartbreak. It doesn't evoke much original content though, and while I think the metaphor of monsters gathering around a cradle to sing lullabies is such an immensely heartbreaking image, it could be refined here. As usual in your other works, this piece suffers from a sort of fall-back on the usual "emo poetry" cliches and platitudes. The symbolization of darkness here is just not something as thought-provoking or evenly dispersed as it could be.
It's degrading really, that you should use such stale imagery to couple it with such a fantastic metaphor. The idea of darkness being all-consuming is so overdone, and without subverting or averting this trope at all, you run the risk of delving further into cliche. What you can do to improve that is to re-write it with more original input on the poetic situation you evoke.
Imagery is all about imposing an object with a specific mindset and then overlaying it with an overall tone, colored by the diction and syntax of your sentences.
Basically, take the darkness and converse with it! Don't just repeat what it says, give it something more to talk about.
Example: "The darkness sat in a heavy chair, limbs and tentacles folded in a polite gesture. "So, tell me," I began, "How do you like your job as the beginner of a thousand horror stories? Is it something you're comfortable with? Being so misconceived and misunderstood as a sort of primordial source of evil?" The darkness shrugged, a wasp-y buzz filled the air like the invisible hum of a TV that was still on.
"Doesn't it bother you? That you are so misunderstood? Taken for granted, taken advantage of, reduced to nothing but a harbringer of chaos and fear?"
Another shrug, as if to say: Life is like that, people will judge, they will take what they like from the people and things around them. It doesn't matter whether it's toys, money, pain, information, impressions, the air and breath that once held dignity in your lungs, the facts of some preconceived misconception, stereotypes, the very existence of a cliche, people will take.
The fathomless face then bent forward in universal expression: And all you can do is forgive them for it."
There's something in the darkness, Something that is not quite right. The shadows haunt beneath me Swirling just out of my sight.
The darkness threatens to swallow, Everything that I live for. But it promises to hold me, So I can(')t really ask for more.
The blackness is a cradle, It wraps me warm (from) inside. (Missing conjunction, I think) Bring out all the monsters, As they sing me lullabys(lullabies, misspelling).
They sing me: "The monster in the mirror, The demons in the night, The place my heart cannot love, (All this is in desperate need for a revision. All of it.) Where I cannot see the light For I know my heart is broken But I fear to give up the fight."
Maybe monsters aren't so scary, They are scared just like me. They broke so long ago, That they are numb like I want to be.
Maybe a monster's what I am, In the mirror it's what I see. My own reflection's scary, Shaky and unsure (of) what to be.
It would be so easy to give up, And I fear that I just might. So soon I'll sing your lullaby too, And hide you deep into the night.
Still singing: "The monster in the mirror, The demons in the night, The place my heart cannot love, Where I cannot see the light For I know my heart is broken But I fear to give up the fight."
Thank you for the crit. I try really hard not to do anything cliche, but somehow it always manages to happen. though it is pretty hard to write a poem about something that someone hasn't already written about. But thanks a lot for the advice
I think that you are over-complicating it. Writing an original poem is not about inventing an entirely new experience. It's about re-interpreting it into a language that you own and that you have perfected. Everything that needs to be written in the world has already been written about. But it's the re-interpretation that drives us to create.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More